Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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