Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
