Porn is love you can see.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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