Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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