is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
