I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It's Friday. Sex?
i barfeds in our rink
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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