I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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