I cannot find my penis.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
