you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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