It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Randomize
