Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
