I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
The power of my boobs compel you
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
