I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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