Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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