Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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