peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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