It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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