Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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