omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
