I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize