you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
