you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
