U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize