I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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