I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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