24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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