She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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