Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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