No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
The uberlube is also flammable
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
