Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
