im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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