i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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