You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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