Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Randomize
