is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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