mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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