After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Semen is not good for contacts.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
