happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize