I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize