twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
This is the high leading the old right now
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
