so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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