i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
