Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
