Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I am available for nakedness
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
