i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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