the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Randomize
