Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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