Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
