ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
