New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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