were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
