I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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