So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
