This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
