Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
