My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize