4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
