i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
