I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
