Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
