I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
