end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
