So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My vagina is very pro this idea
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
