I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
