babies were throwing up all over the place
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
