I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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